Parent Dictionary: Before and After Kids Entries 4-7

Parent Dictionary: Before and After Kids Entries 4-7

   I missed posting any entries on Father's Day. I probably should have, but with 5 kids spoiling me all day, I didn't have any time. By spoiling, I mean one of my kids said "When is Father's Day over? My birthday is coming up and I want it to be my birthday!" A few forgot and all of them really just wanted to go swimming to celebrate me even though I don't like to swim all that much. But, they did get me some presents and did give me cards and it was a pretty perfect Father's Day because I was with my family the whole day and got a chance to see my own Dad for a bit as well. All in all, a pretty good day. And as Sully says..."now, your day is over, it is my birthday now!!"

   And with the week beginning and more camps starting up, I figured I would update my "traveling with kids" dictionary. Here you go, here's what I have learned....

Carseats

Before: Huh. Those things are pretty cool. They look safe. Just buckle across and the baby is perfectly safe. Nice!

After: You know that junk drawer in your house that seems to catch a little bit of everything? Also, have you ever looked under one of your couch cushions when you were in college? Combine what's in the junk drawer and what you find under a couch cushion and mix in 36 months of McDonald's dropped food and you have your current car seat. Also, they are not as simple as they look. Installing a carseat makes building a bed from IKEA look easy.

Shopping Run

Before: Jump in, drive to store, jump out, buy what you need, drive back. Boom!

After:  Get all kids loaded because buying milk and bread is obviously the best road trip they can imagine right now. Add 60 minutes to your trip for loading, unloading, bathroom breaks, tantrums, cart rides, and taking the short class on how to drive the 2-seat NASCAR shopping cart that holds 5 items and can't take corners out of aisles 1-8 very well.

Winter Coats

Before: Practical. Warm. Great to have around between October-March in the upper Midwest.

After: Why is it so difficult to put these on! Where are your arms! How can you be too hot? How can you not be warm enough? Hon....why did we just spend 20 minutes putting this coat on if we were just going to take it off to put him in his carseat? How many mittens can be stuffed into one sleeve?

Bottom line: Use only if temps get below 10 degrees and only if your child is going to be outside sledding all day (funny...that never happens. They always come in 10 minutes after you spent your morning bundling them up.)

Tying Your Shoes

Before: I can't wait until our children reach the age where we can bond over learning to tie their shoes. They are going to feel so grown up! It will be quite a milestone!

After: Velcro shoes. Crocs. Slip on shoes. Don't even mess with shoes that tie. They can look that up on Youtube when they are older. Adds 2 years to your life just avoiding this process. 

New Blog Alert! A Blog for Parents or soon-to-be Parents

I started this blog as a way to collect some of the things I learned about how words change from the time before you became a parent to the time you actually became a parent. Especially as you add more kids (We have added 5 kids to our family!), these words can change even more. I am sure other parents who check out this blog will agree, understand, and/or possibly even empathize with these word changes. So enjoy and feel free to share!

Parent Dictionary: Before and After Kids Entry 1-3

Diapers

Before: That doesn’t look so hard. Fold, fold, strap, strap. Done. What a cute baby!!

After: WTF?! How the hell does this thing work? Point it down! Point it down! Hon, I need help! I’m under fire and the fumes are causing me to lose consciousness!

2 a.m.

Before: 1) A possible bed time for you. 2) Typical time a bar closes. 3) Time where you are in your deepest sleep.

After:  1) The time, without fail, one of your kids will enter your room with one of the following issues: need to go to the bathroom, already went to the bathroom in their bed, need to throw up, already threw up in their bed, monsters are real, or they want a slice of pizza. Also, as our kids have grown older, this is the perfect time, in their mind, to tell you about the new rock in their collection or that the cat purred in her ear and it tickled.

Kid’s Night at Restaurants

Before: Why did my wife and I come to this place? There are kids everywhere. Ugh.

After: A list of Kids eat free locations you have printed, saved on your computer, and on your phone. Unless a special occasion, you will refuse to enter a restaurant unless at least one kid eats free for some reason. 

Bonus: For parents of more than 2 kids, you learn to either find adult friends to go with you so you have enough "qualifying adults" so each child gets a free meal or you simply read the fine print and only go to restaurants that don't have the restriction of "one free kid meal per adult". Those places are just cruel.